Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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