Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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