She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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