Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
