The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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