if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
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