mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
