as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
