I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
