I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
