I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
