The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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