i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
jump out the window naked night went bad
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