I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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