My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
