I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
