roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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