In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
