I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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