All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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