FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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