I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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