I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Damn victory sex feels great
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
