Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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