She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
