First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize