Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize