what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
