I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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