so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize