Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
