he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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