You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
