good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize