Jerry, you need to find god
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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