Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
