Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
