Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
