it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
