It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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