I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
