Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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