I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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