I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
