Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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