i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
