I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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