...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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