I faked an abortion last night.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
