he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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