Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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