She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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