I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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