He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
