I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Dear god my vagina.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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