He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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